Sunday, November 26, 2006
You got any interesting place you wanna go to? i wanna take a breather, chill out, feel youth, and maybe inspire my mind with some new stuff so that i can feel innovative againz
If not do you know where i can sit down enjoy a cup of drink for very long time and sit there think...other than my home of course, i need to see traffic flow, life, everything to give me energy
Home is the only answer i get most of the time. Sigh, and its the place deep in my heart i dislike going back to. Its the place that does not feel like mine ever since 12. Actually i never really had anything that i fully own or a place to hide my deepest tiny little secrets. Other than belongings that belong to me, i don have any space that is only purely for my admittance. In this very room, this very place, every moment i sit uneasy. This home, the only place i can seek solace is my pc that connects me to the virtual world that i can meet people online to chat. Otherwise, i would feel uneasy anywhere at home other than the times when i am sleeping. Even the worst situations i have been through(not very bad though), which are the times in army, my home has never popped out in my head even when i felt so bad.
I want to move out! I want a house, a place, a room that i call my own and nobody will ever come in without my permission! I want that very square with 4 walls that only allows me to exist as myself! I want a place that i can feel warmth in, a place that i can feel will always welcome me.
but if i have found a better place to hang out daily and stay, i will definitely move.
Possibly its a shadow from my childhood that till now still haunts me, hurts me, and makes me feel insecure and uneasy anywhere. Makes me feel like i want to talk to people all the time. Made me change from and introvert to an "extrovert". Seek attention, seek solace, seek friends. However i think the most important thing i need is a doctor. Nobody has ever been able to understand me well maybe because i am too good at disguising myself.
Not until the day when that angel was able to detect and guess correctly whats wrong with me. Well, but, it still leads nowhere. Angels and humans are meant not to be together. So she can't treat me though i really do hope she can open me up and free me. Sigh, how i do hope that angels and humans can be together, then i would see hope forever in my life till the end of it.
"Will there be an exeception this time? Will God forget that he made another mistake and allow another tale of angel of humans again? Will there be? Or is it just another lesson for me to learn that God never makes mistakes...Its fate"
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM1:32 AM
Sunday, November 12, 2006
My Life. Origins of that choker named "Faith, Hope, Desire"
What will it be like when i am 21? Living with an angel? Enjoying under the "tree of knowledge"?...or would i have ended living already and resigned to my so called "fate"?...
Who can give me an answer? Where is my life leading to? (I'm nowhere).
I have been searching for passion (some would call it love too) for years already.
"The passion is what some people would call a fire that burns in your heart. It is the flame that gives someone a power that is even greater than 'mind over matter'. It is this matter that makes one go beyond logic and pursue something no matter how harsh the conditions are and how tough it is. Some give it a nicer and simpler name called love."
Yet it seems that passion and love have deluded me for years, for my whole life. My heart just gets colder and colder, possibly like a stone. It hardens each day and it hurts. I have nothing except my mind to set myself a target to work on and i get tired very easily because the power of the mind is just limited without the passion in the heart. I feel inferior and useless as i see people in life believing and pursuing their passion and challenges and obstacles are unable to break them down. I yearn and crave to be like them but i just do not have that fire they have. My mind is too weak. And love itself, another kind of passion, does not exist in my heart either. I seem not to understand how love feels, that natural feeling that people feel when they are with their family and do things out of love. I just don't have it and i don't know how to give it! I want to feel love, i want to give love naturally but, it seems i don't know and can't feel with a heart of stone. I don't miss my family, I don't care about them, it just makes me wonder if i was brought to life like the monkey god. It's my duty as a child to be filial to parents and my grandpa but, nothing i done came out from my heart... Sigh.
And all these years in my life i have been on a quest for passion. I moved out of my comfort zone, gone into different groups of people, everywhere, yet i can't seem to find it. I have asked around and no one seems to know an answer for my question. I got my answer from books and an answer formulated in my mind. Move forth, out of your comfort zone first. Then, seek faith, hope and desire and you will understand what is passion. Finally, the greatest of all is the love that does not die in your heart. Once you find love and give love you will have the ultimate flame in the heart.
They said find faith, and you shall feel passion and love. I went in search of faith. Went to church when my friend introduced me to. I did make friends and they were very nice people and supportive indeed. Loved the positive thinkings they always uphold and how they would bless each other and wish for the best of everyone. It does feel like i found a new home and i did find faith in god but, i didnt find passion or love. Deep down within your heart you felt just like a stone. Neither touched nor felt a single thing. But at least i know, faith is a powerful thing that keeps one going on and that is the power of the church.
Then they said find hope, and you shall get passion and love. I went in search of hope. Went to join a family service centre when i came across the chance to. I did more than make friends, I found hope. I saw that those broken families though are not as fortunate as many of us, those that find hope live strongly. They believe in each and everyone and hope for the better future. It is that hope that hold the fragile and broken family together and that spirit of hope amazed me.
I also liked playing with those kids. They are always so innocent yet strong because behind each and everyone they have their own story but they never seem to be affected by it. I saw hope in them, i felt their hope and positivity. My mind was filled with hope but my heart only had their hope, not mine. But at least i know hope is something very strong that like faith, keeps one going on and on.
And they said find and crave desire, for that is the greatest and easiest route to get that passion. I went in search of desire. Went to join a company when my friend introduced me the chance. Made lots of friends and i really am amazed and as well want to be with them because they are ever positive, encouraging and supportive. Their influence on me would be very great and each of them live because they have their own passion and dream to pursue and thats the fire that keeps them going. Thats the spirit that i want to look for and its that type of person i want to become. However deep down in my heart i grew colder instead. My mind was influenced by them and felt ever motivated and wanting to go on with their journey but my heart was more disheartened than before. Yet, i know i am heading the right direction because this time, i found an angel of guidiance. Though passion nor desire was trasmuted to me, at least i know that surrounding myself with positive minded people is good because one day, it will become mine too!
However, my life is still empty. Shallow. Its like the mind pushing on a piece of body to live. To live through willpower, not through the true existance of a human. Its a cold way to live.
Imagine this, you do things without really having your heart to be able to feel it. You live life without having anything dear to you or something that you will treasure and keep to your heart. You just move around because your mind rememebers you have to do this, you have to do that and you still have this you have not done. Your mind reads, picks up new things and then tells you that you have to learn about this new thing, and the body just goes searching for it and learn and at the end of the day, you do not have any idea what's happening all around you. And if you pay attention to what happens all around you, your mind will pop up with weird things that drives you to another direction. Its tiring but your heart does not feel a single bit right that tells you that all that's happening is what you like, its just what your mind tells you to do.
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM10:48 PM
Friday, November 10, 2006
People have always asked me why am i so bent on making a name or creating a legacy. A few simple reasons that are inside me that i shall state here in case i get lost or forget these:
1. Only the rich have the capability to donate huge amounts of money to charity or move the world to help these needies.
2. I want to create tons of jobs for this country that i grew up on.
3. I want to be a source for people to realise their dreams.
4. (Quite stupid but it did hurt me) Mum accidentally threw away my 2 biscuit tins of memorables(little memories of things people gave me, letters with friends and everything including photos) during this year's chinese new year and so i have nothing to reminisce anymore. I don't remember much of my past 18 years without them to recollect so it really hurts when you try to think but you have nothing to help you remember or recollect, its like its all blank. Thus, i shall not live in vain for the rest of my life and create something that i can remember forever. Something that nobody can destroy or throw away even until i leave the world but everybody will share my memories.
"Angels create. Humans destroy. Though opposite attract, but these two do not."
-Crap by my camp mate.
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM2:03 AM
Went to a seminar in the evening today. Been slacking for almost a week already ever since my phone started being cranky and then...broke down. Getting to love seminars. They always have freebies, new insights, and most of all positive moving energy. Each new seminar i go to i learn new things and most importantly they reaffirm again and again the thoughts in my head that are pushing me towards the dream that sprouted in my mind(after 18 yrs of aimless living that stroke came). A pity though i didnt write down my dream that fateful day when i felt reborn the first time of my life. Up until now i have been doing things to try and find back that dream that sprouted. But parts of it are already etched in my mind like the blueprint of an empire just waiting to be brought to reality. Nonetheless it is a super big dream indeed if i want to put the company that i create on the world stage and even aspire to make it the company that all aspiring, inventive, innovative kids will want to work under one day.
Anyway today i saw the ugly side of me again. On the way back, i can see that i was the one who really was sitting in the MRT with my eyes "open". I saw how some people were feeling or how some people's day was, and who needed to sit and stuff but i totally didnt do anything. I saw an old lady in front of me but i didnt even offer my seat! Then somehow another old lady was offered a seat by a guy in another section of the cabin and i felt ashamed at how i am but still i didnt do anything! Really wonder what's happened to me suddenly again, maybe i really have changed. This inconsiderate act of mine harped me and when i was walking home i saw someone on wheelchair wanting to go up a slope but was having lots of difficulty. I did turn around and walk towards the disabled but somehow just 3 steps behind i stopped and turned away! Do wish lightning struck me at that moment. I was not in a rush or what and i believe only i saw the middle aged lady needing help but i didnt help! Cant think how long more can i live feeling disgusted at myself.
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM1:31 AM
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Bad Day. Screwed up the whole day.
Handphone went cranky. At times screen upside down and at times it can blackout for minutes. Don't know who's called but i can answer phone and ends up being like rude when i ask:"and may i know who's this over the line" and gets a reply XXX Sir la! Cant reply messages too and pretty lucky to be able to read it at times. Other than my dear phone, i pretty much screwed up in the office too.
Other than that, friends play me out. And everyone who walks past me on the streets kept looking at me with those eyes as if i came from planet A. I wonder if i can overcome this man. Something must have gone wrong somewhere in my house to make me suddenly feel tired daily and unlucky these days. Well well.
"Angels live in heaven. Humans live on earth. But only Angels can get close to Humans, not the other way round. ONLY through a WISH, can humans reach Angels."
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM10:47 PM
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Alright, blogging in office now.
Woke up today feeling much better and refreshed than yesterday when i was moody and gloomy as if it was an overcast sky again. Thanks R for the listening ear the last night. You really helped me alot. Glad to have you as a friend.
Today, well, refreshed but supposed to be chieonging and full of energy but somehow the weakness in me is still there. I procrastinated. Held myself back at times when i needed to do things. Even though i try to live by the line "what's got to done, got to be done", but still that weakling ghost of me haunts me. In the end it became a wasteful day. Nothing accomplished again.
At least only one good thing that happened today. And that is i will always try and make myself to remember the reason i do things. And that reason shall come from my heart, because thats where the most powerful force comes from, and its the purest act of all that will touch people and also make miracles happen. I do believe in miracles, for i am one.
"Angels shall remain in the sky. While humans shall remain on land. Mutual attractions can exist, but not coexistence of the two."
"Both are creations of the purest of love, yet the different kinds of love, meant that they are different kinds of beings, and they cannot come together."
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM9:51 PM
Sunday, November 05, 2006
I am tired finally. Tired of pushing myself. Been asking myself what are my goals and what are my dreams since almost a month ago. Interestingly every setback that i experienced never impacted me at all until these 2 days. I really wish to find out what are my true goals and dreams in life so i will stop charging like an endless energiser bull.
However, until i find out about real goal and dream, i will not stop what my mind tells me is logical now. Feelings to me are nothing because that will be the only way i can prove to myself that i can be persistent too and have an undaunting spirit. Afterall i have never experienced much in life, moreover any setbacks.
So from now on i shall show a strong front! I shant back down! For what i want to is to crystalise my dream and let the misfortunate benefit from my dream! I will set up the company as i have planned and want it to create thousands of jobs for Singapore and eventually be able to donate millions to charities or even join the Bill Gates's charity organisation! I will strive on to learn what i need and find the people i need!
This blog from now on shall be a place where i will pour out my worries, concerns, and negative feelings. I will not allow my heart to be clouded by negativities and stop me from heading for the destination.
When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. An angel has appeared, and agreed to be my guiding light, but this road is what i have to walk down, for i know she awaits at the end of it.
Thank you angel. "The plain and common girl, normal looking with a pure heart, yet with her belief and faith in me, she became an angel and my messiah."
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM11:08 PM
Another full moon night. Its been ages since i blogged. The previous occasion was also a full moon night years ago.
Went pub with vj classmates at night and drank a bit and now a bit tipsy. I took a big detour and walked around my estate just to let myself think and i did thought alot.
My old self came back to me while i was tipsy. These were what my old self told me:
LISTEN, why are you working so hard? Why are you trying to change yourself so hard? What is it that you didn't like about your old lifestyle and old personality? Why did you ever care about what people think of you as? What were dreams and goals to you? What did you ever want to prove in your life?
You were never someone who was aiming for success, wanting recognition, and fighting for riches. You were always someone who never felt uncontented, always wanted nothing more than happiness and friends. You were always someone who felt life was peaceful and good all the time. You were always someone who could live with almost no money($5 was max you spent a day and you only had $10 in your wallet), surviving on $30 pocket money purely for everything you had to do. You were someone who never wanted nothing more than what was given to you. You never craved for anything, never tempted by money, never lured by needs and needed anything. You never cared what others thought of you because you just lived the way you wanted. You never needed goals or dreams because life was full of contentment to you and you never had to prove anything to people because your life was complete.
Suddenly i felt lost. Lost in the sense that i never thought i would ever manage to step out of my paradise, and yet i had. Lost in the sense that i never would ever dare to think of what life would become after out of paradise, and now i don't dare to think how it would be like if i continue living outside paradise. Lost, in between the world of my own and reality. Lost worrying that i would never feel happiness and contentment ever again. Lost in a different way, unlike people who are still remaining in their comfort zone till they are in their 60s, as i might not want the lifestyle i would be leading. Lost because i do not see myself having the drive to do all those things anymore. Lost because i really wonder now who's dreams and goals are those? Lost in the sense that i did step out, mentally prepared that things would be different once i did and i would have to carry on the road down till i see the light, but i stepped out without having any drive. Lost because i would never feel any sense of security again. Lost, because i can never meet up with what people would expect from me because i might never be able to do what i set as my dreams and my goals. Lost because it never dwelt upon me that i can be able to lead a happy life again like how i felt the past 18 years of my life.
I got utterly lost. I knew the answers to all the questions by heart but i never accepted them. Leading a different lifestyle and changing my personality was because of the fear of living in the old self all the way till i am old and i would have found i never accomplished a single thing or tried to accomplish anything. I wanted to recognise myself. I wanted to believe that using my change in life, i can infect and influence other people to pursue their dreams and aspirations to lead better lives and not be trapped within their cage. However, from the start i felt no drive and only had a direction in life.
Dumbfounded still. I read enough to know that people who succeeded in life have all been through this stage of life before and by their experience i know what i should do is just to persist on. But being indecisive like ever, i will see the other side of the coin and wonder if my mindless persistence will ever lead to nothing, which the successful people will have already seen and not do what i am doing. As the saying goes:" when the going gets tough, the tough gets going". I wonder would i ever be able to be tough enough for it to be going? I know all i have in mind now is nothing but just striving for the little goals i have set but the emotional setbacks have been too much i ever dreamt a change would ever bring about. Its not the first time i ever experienced giving up but i have never experienced such extreme giving up feeling that i have given up the thought of giving up for i feel like i have headed the way of insanity not enlightenment. Yet, up till this moment i just refuse to accept that i can fail in life and would not want to give up though my heart has given up on me almost fully.
The moon was right. The moon could still be right, i am bound to suffer alone the moment i stepped out of my made belief paradise. The moon still has a chance to be right, for someone has seen what i am facing and is trying to help me. But can i be helped when i have been alone all my life to face the real deepest problems that i never told anyone and just buried 6 feet under my heart? I see her as my saviour, angel and yet i do not want to fail her for she can change my life. Yet before anything ever happens, i still have to thank whatever force suddenly pushed me out of the circle after 18 yrs of paradise. Because without that, i would not have met this person.
Dear round and full moon, please be my witness, i want to thank this angel who has appeared in my life now, i might never proceed to succeed in whatever she tries to help me but the fact that she is there, she is willing to help, i am thankful already. Whatever happens, I hope she will never meet with problems that will hurt her ever.
If ever i can become an angel too, I will protect her with what strength i can muster because she is the first person that i have seen, really wanting to help me from the bottom of her heart and that touched me. Thanks.
Best Wishes & Good Luck Pal @ 12:13 PM1:33 AM